


What He Wants

by phantisma



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-27
Updated: 2006-11-27
Packaged: 2017-11-13 09:55:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/502217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantisma/pseuds/phantisma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spoilers for the episode "Meridian"..."No good telling me that this is any different because my life is no more valuable than anybody elses."</p>
            </blockquote>





	What He Wants

His first thoughts aren’t about diplomatic relations or the possibility of Daniel dying. His first thoughts are “get Daniel home”…because getting Daniel home somehow made everything better…it always had…until…until now…

_It’s a lethal dose, sir._

It takes a long time for those words to sink in, and even when they do, he manages to ignore them…manages to put off thinking about them…somehow convinces himself everything will be okay. They’re SG-1. They save the world. Sometimes they save whole other worlds, galaxies. They don’t die…and if they do there’s always something…some way out…some alien technology they couldn’t possibly understand…something.

He’s still in deep denial as he sits there beside Daniel and listens to him rattle off the expected degradation of his body because of the radiation.

“Nausea will be followed be tremors, convulsions and something called ataxia. Surface tissue, brain tissue and internal organs will inflame and degrade, I believe that's called necrosis. Now based on the dose of radiation I got, all that will happen in the next 10-15 hours and if I don't drown in my own fluids first, I will bleed to death and there is no medical treatment to prevent that.”

_Stop…enough…no more…_ Because Jack O’Neill has a pretty good idea what all of those things mean and he doesn’t want it in his head…he can’t think that way, not and still function…not and still find a solution…a cure…

“Maybe not that we know of.” He says it with confidence, with the swagger and attitude he knows Daniel expects, because he can’t let Daniel see how terrified he is.

“Jack, “ Daniel says, that exasperated sound like he knows he’s telling Jack something he should already know, “we don't go running to our offworld allies every time an individual's life's at stake.”

_You aren’t any individual though…You’re Daniel…you’re…_

“No good telling me that this is any different because my life is no more valuable than anybody else’s.”

Jack looks up as if somehow Daniel had heard his thought, as if somehow his need for Daniel was written on his face. He’d worked hard to keep it from showing…to keep Daniel from knowing how much he’d come to respect and admire him…. _my friend…my…Daniel…_

The panic starts to nibble at him when he goes back through the gate. When he faces off with Jonas and tries to make him see Daniel’s point…because Jack knows Daniel…knows how it’s eaten away at him all these years, working with the military when so many of his ideals directly countered those of the military…how it’s pained him every time they’ve had to resort to violence. And Jack sees the changes, the constant chipping at the heart that’s made Daniel more cynical over the years…more like Jack than Jack would like to admit.

The panic is in his stomach when he slips in to the infirmary. Daniel’s face is gone behind a mask of white bandages and sores…his eyes blood red and so filled with anguish Jack can’t bear to look. But he forces a smile as he says, “I’m really bad at this.”

He wants to say _don’t leave me_ and he wants to hold his hand, but he knows he’ll only cause more pain. He’s sick to his stomach and falling apart because here is a man who deserves so much more than he’s ever gotten from his life, and he doesn’t even know how much he means to the people around him.

But it isn’t Jack O’Neill to say those things. He’s aloof, he cracks jokes.

Daniel’s in pain, and Jack knows he doesn’t mean the biting sarcasm in his voice when he asks, “Why do you care?”

And Jack means so much more than he actually says, when he says, “Because despite the fact that you've been a terrific pain in the ass for the last five years, I may have, might have, grown to admire you a little, I think.”

Because somewhere along the line his respect had grown to admiration and his admiration into something else. He wasn’t sure he had a name for it exactly…and if he did, he wasn’t sure he could ever say it out loud.

There’s relief…when Jacob finally shows up, when he and Selmak try. But the panic comes back when Daniel tells him to let him go. When Daniel chooses to leave them. Jack can barely believe it, wants to scream at him, beg him… _Jacob can save you…you can live…you can stay with us…with me…_

It doesn’t show on his face. He doesn’t reach out to touch him. He doesn’t grab him and pull him close. He smiles sort of…gives him what he asks for…tells Jacob to stop, rips out his heart…but tells Jacob to let Daniel go…because it’s what Daniel wants…

_Here, take this with you, I won’t need it now._

“I’m gonna miss you guys.”

_Then don’t go._

“Thank you, for everything”

“So, what? See you around?” He makes it sound hopeful…makes it sound like he’s okay with letting Daniel leave…makes his face look…like he isn’t dying inside…like he isn’t a failure for not saving the one man who had come to mean the world to him.

And then all the eyes in the room look to him to explain himself…to explain…Daniel’s gone, his body melted away and all that remains is a glowing ball of energy already moving away from them…and Jack has never been good with words…never had the eloquence of Daniel Jackson. “It’s what he wants,” is all he can say. “What he wants.”

He breathes in deep of the scent of antiseptic and rotted flesh and shakes his head, hands deep in his pockets and he leaves them there…he can’t stand their eyes on him…can’t stomach the accusation in them…because it’s too much like the pain in his gut telling him he was a coward…that he gave up when Daniel needed him most.

“What he wants.” He mutters it to himself as he gets into the elevator and leans his forehead against the wall. He has to make himself believe it…or he may never forgive himself.


End file.
